Christmas is here, and that means it's time to salute the year in sports by providing new lyrics for familiar seasonal melodies.
It's a great day, a rare collision of feasting and football as the Steelers meet the Baltimore Ravens at Heinz Field with the AFC North title at stake. The kielbasa is crispy, and the aunts made a mountain of pizzelles. Grab a slice of nut roll and a cup of egg nog. As always, a bow to Allan Sherman and Mad magazine.
So gather the family 'round the fake fireplace, have cousin Anthony break out his new keyboard, and sing loud and proud. Merry Christmas!
**********
--The Cleveland Browns were in danger of playing an entire 16-game season without winning a game.
(To the tune of "O Christmas Tree")
---
O Cleveland Browns,
Woe Cleveland Browns.
You haven't won a game yet.
O Cleveland Browns,
Woe Cleveland Browns,
Each week you are a safe bet.
The defense stinks,
The offense reeks.
Your streak is months
And not just weeks.
O Cleveland Browns,
Woe Cleveland Browns.
Ineptitude historic?
**********
--As the Steelers play today, imagine the plight of the minimum wage usher or vendor who has to report for work at Heinz Field.
(To the tune of "I'll Be Home For Christmas")
I'm at work on Christmas,
Save no chair for me.
Enjoy your ham,
I had to scram,
It's a working day for me.
The NFL is playing.
The inconvenience great.
I'm at work on Christmas,
At least 'til almost 8.
**********
--The Penguins made a necessary coaching change last December. They went on to win the Stanley Cup, and deposed coach Mike Johnston became a forgotten footnote.
(To the tune of "Good King Wenceslas")
---
Poor Mike Johnston had to go,
Penguins sent him packing.
Really, though, there was no choice,
Chemistry was lacking.
So he headed out the door.
No one shed a tear.
They popped champagne later,
Hope he had a beer.
**********
--The annual recap of the year in pro sports, three stanzas per franchise.
(To the tune of "Deck The Hall").
---
Quite a year for Penguins hockey,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Even though the start was rocky,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Had to get a new head coach,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Sully had the right approach,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Sidney Crosby wasn't finished,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Showed his skills had not diminished.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Led the Penguins to the Cup,
Fa la la la la la la la la
GM's trades helped Pens beef up.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Murray moved to number one,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Rookie had a crazy run.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Now it's time to trade The Flower,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Maybe add some firepower.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Pirates dropped by 20 games,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Failure by some real big names.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Rotation flopped, how it imploded.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Liriano was unloaded.
Fa la la la la la la la la
McCutchen had a lousy season.
Fa la la la la la la la la
No one seemed to know the reason.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Blamed the umps, the scorer, too.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Ugly year that he went through
Fa la la la la la la la la
Niese and Locke and Vogelsong.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Oh, those choices were so wrong.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Starting pitchers dug a hole,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Need a better Gerrit Cole.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Steelers have their Killer B's.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Scoring points they do with ease.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Defense started soft and cheesy.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Steeler Nation was uneasy.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Rookies playing with great zeal,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Can they be as tough as steel?
Fa la la la la la la la la
Artie Burns is learning fast,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Secondary help at last?
Fa la la la la la la la la
Ravens here, it's win and in
Fa la la la la la la la la
Tough, just like it's always been.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Enjoy the game, should be a dandy.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Keep the Pepto Bismol handy.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Sunday, December 25, 2016
Sunday, December 18, 2016
Altoona Mirror, December 18, 2016
In the interest of clarity and honesty, let's start designating all college athletic positions with the adjective "interim."
Pitt was just getting over losing offensive coordinator Matt Canada to LSU when the news broke that athletic director Scott Barnes was being courted by Oregon State.
Canada was here for one season. LSU offered him the same job, but a lot more money.
Little wonder. Canada had Pitt's offense scoring like a pinball machine.
By comparison, Barnes is a veteran. He's been at Pitt for 20 months. That means mail is probably still catching up to him from his previous stop, Utah State.
Barnes issued a statement through Pitt indicating a report saying he had taken the Oregon State job was not true. He didn't say whether that might change soon.
Job hopping is an epidemic in college sports, and has been for a while. That's why schools write contracts with hefty buyout provisions. If they can't keep their people, at least they can bank some money when they leave.
Pitt has plenty of experience with this practice. Johnny Majors left the football program after the 1976 season because Tennessee called him home. His successor, Jackie Sherrill, took off in early 1982 after Texas A & M showed up with bushels of money.
Pitt has had two football coaches who would have been willing to stay as long as the university wanted them -- Foge Fazio and Dave Wannstedt. Of course, Pitt fired both of them.
It remains to be seen what happens with Barnes. The football program has been vexing for some time because those bright yellow seats at Heinz Field show up so well when nobody is in them.
Now there's a similar problem with basketball. There's suddenly a lot of elbow room at the Petersen Events Center.
Perhaps Barnes would be happy to bequeath those issues to someone else.
We'll see. A couple of conclusions can be drawn from the carousel, which is gearing up for another football off season ride:
1. When a hire is made, don't delete the file of other candidates. There's a good chance that list will be relevant again. Perhaps soon.
2. Don't ever believe that someone's stay at a college it etched in stone. Hey, the commitments are almost in invisible ink.
---
--BACK TO SCHOOL
Sometimes you get lost in the details and miss the bigger picture, so here's a reminder.
The job hopping that goes in college athletics isn't promulgated by rogue sports leagues who are ethically bereft.
This all happens under the auspices of institutions of higher learning.
That ship may have gone off course a while ago, but these are still universities with a stated mission to function as educational institutions.
And don't you just love it when universities nickel-and-dime on issues like adjunct professors, yet spend almost $2 million for an offensive coordinator?
---
--QUICK FIX
Theo Epstein is as smart a baseball executive as there is, having worked miracles with the Boston Red Sox and Chicago Cubs.
A new Sports Illustrated profile of him unnecessarily burnishes his reputation.
Epstein is given credit for thoroughly vetting reliever Aroldis Chapman before the Cubs acquired him for the New York Yankees in July. Chapman features a 100-mile per hour fastball and a reputation for unsavory behavior away from the field.
SI says that Epstein and owner Tom Ricketts insisted on a conference call with Chapman to determine if his behavior would meet the Cubs' standards.
Chapman helped the Cubs, but they acquired him purely as a temp, a hired gun to get them through the postseason. Chapman has since returned to the Yankees as a free agent.
His stay with the Cubs wasn't long enough to cause much trouble.
Interesting, though, that Chapman has since complained that the Cubs didn't use him properly.
Oh well. The $86 million he got from the Yankees should soothe his bruised feelings.
Pitt was just getting over losing offensive coordinator Matt Canada to LSU when the news broke that athletic director Scott Barnes was being courted by Oregon State.
Canada was here for one season. LSU offered him the same job, but a lot more money.
Little wonder. Canada had Pitt's offense scoring like a pinball machine.
By comparison, Barnes is a veteran. He's been at Pitt for 20 months. That means mail is probably still catching up to him from his previous stop, Utah State.
Barnes issued a statement through Pitt indicating a report saying he had taken the Oregon State job was not true. He didn't say whether that might change soon.
Job hopping is an epidemic in college sports, and has been for a while. That's why schools write contracts with hefty buyout provisions. If they can't keep their people, at least they can bank some money when they leave.
Pitt has plenty of experience with this practice. Johnny Majors left the football program after the 1976 season because Tennessee called him home. His successor, Jackie Sherrill, took off in early 1982 after Texas A & M showed up with bushels of money.
Pitt has had two football coaches who would have been willing to stay as long as the university wanted them -- Foge Fazio and Dave Wannstedt. Of course, Pitt fired both of them.
It remains to be seen what happens with Barnes. The football program has been vexing for some time because those bright yellow seats at Heinz Field show up so well when nobody is in them.
Now there's a similar problem with basketball. There's suddenly a lot of elbow room at the Petersen Events Center.
Perhaps Barnes would be happy to bequeath those issues to someone else.
We'll see. A couple of conclusions can be drawn from the carousel, which is gearing up for another football off season ride:
1. When a hire is made, don't delete the file of other candidates. There's a good chance that list will be relevant again. Perhaps soon.
2. Don't ever believe that someone's stay at a college it etched in stone. Hey, the commitments are almost in invisible ink.
---
--BACK TO SCHOOL
Sometimes you get lost in the details and miss the bigger picture, so here's a reminder.
The job hopping that goes in college athletics isn't promulgated by rogue sports leagues who are ethically bereft.
This all happens under the auspices of institutions of higher learning.
That ship may have gone off course a while ago, but these are still universities with a stated mission to function as educational institutions.
And don't you just love it when universities nickel-and-dime on issues like adjunct professors, yet spend almost $2 million for an offensive coordinator?
---
--QUICK FIX
Theo Epstein is as smart a baseball executive as there is, having worked miracles with the Boston Red Sox and Chicago Cubs.
A new Sports Illustrated profile of him unnecessarily burnishes his reputation.
Epstein is given credit for thoroughly vetting reliever Aroldis Chapman before the Cubs acquired him for the New York Yankees in July. Chapman features a 100-mile per hour fastball and a reputation for unsavory behavior away from the field.
SI says that Epstein and owner Tom Ricketts insisted on a conference call with Chapman to determine if his behavior would meet the Cubs' standards.
Chapman helped the Cubs, but they acquired him purely as a temp, a hired gun to get them through the postseason. Chapman has since returned to the Yankees as a free agent.
His stay with the Cubs wasn't long enough to cause much trouble.
Interesting, though, that Chapman has since complained that the Cubs didn't use him properly.
Oh well. The $86 million he got from the Yankees should soothe his bruised feelings.
Sunday, December 11, 2016
Altoona Mirror, December 11, 2016
We love reunions and the chance they offer to catch up.
We get to see who's done well over the years and who hasn't. What does the homecoming queen look like as a grandmother?
Attendees touch base with the past, and try to condense the time that has passed.
The Penguins recently reunited their 1991 and '92 championship teams. The burly guy with the big smile was Kevin Stevens, who was the prototype power forward in that era.
An all-star on the ice, he was also a formidable locker room presence. Teammates knew Stevens as "Artie," Boston loud, rowdy and funny.
Once Mario Lemieux was doing a routine postgame interview when Stevens' booming voice bounced off the walls of the Civic Arena shower room.
"Hey we're out of (expletive) hot water again! If they don't get this (expletive) place fixed, we're all going to get (expletive) pneumonia and die!"
Lemieux cracked up at the high-volume interruption. He usually did. If Lemieux was king, Stevens was his court jester.
Stevens' life changed forever during the 1993 playoffs when he was knocked unconscious in a collision, crashing face-first into the ice. While the Penguins were inexplicably losing to the New York Islanders, doctors were reconstructing Stevens' face in the operating room.
He was never the same player. He bounced around, playing for four teams in five years. The Penguins took him back. He wandered away on a road trip and never played again.
Drug issues would end his marriage and cause estrangement from other family members. In 2000, he was arrested while sharing a crack pipe with a hooker in a cheap motel. The Penguins gave him yet another chance, hiring him as a scout. He walked away from that job, saying he was going to coach youth hockey.
Last week, Stevens entered a guilty plea in a Massachusetts court on charges he conspired to sell oxycodone. He could face prison time.
Whenever Penguins of that era gather, they invariably ask, "How's Artie?"
Sadly, the answer isn't very good these days.
---
--WRONG KIND OF FAME
The Baseball Hall of Fame will induct former commissioner Bud Selig next summer.
Let's hope his Hall of Fame plaque notes his many accomplishments. He took over on an interim basis in 1992, and maintained he didn't want the job.
In 1998, he was officially named commissioner and remained until 2015.
--As an owner, he was part of a collusion scheme designed to depress the free agent market. The owners were found guilty and paid heavy penalties to the Players Association.
--He helped orchestrate the 1994 players' strike, which canceled the World Series for the first time. The second part of that plan called for the hiring of replacement players. Only a court order prevented that travesty from playing out.
--He turned a blind eye to rampant steroid use, instead profiting from an artificial home run race that helped rebuild fan interest after the ill-conceived 1994 attempt at union busting.
--He perfected a shakedown campaign that caused cash-strapped local governments to spend money to build new ballparks in no fewer than 18 cities, including his native Milwaukee.
--He maintained that baseball was still affordable entertainment even as prices for prime tickets in some parks routinely topped three figures.
--He partnered with broadcast outlets who were given the right to shift family-friendly Sunday afternoon games to 8 p.m. starts.
--He caved into pressure from TV and devised an illogical plan where the All-Star game outcome determined home field advantage for the World Series.
--He agreed to move some postseason games off over-the-air television and put them on channels that couldn't be received without a cable or satellite subscription.
Yes, it was quite a career.
We get to see who's done well over the years and who hasn't. What does the homecoming queen look like as a grandmother?
Attendees touch base with the past, and try to condense the time that has passed.
The Penguins recently reunited their 1991 and '92 championship teams. The burly guy with the big smile was Kevin Stevens, who was the prototype power forward in that era.
An all-star on the ice, he was also a formidable locker room presence. Teammates knew Stevens as "Artie," Boston loud, rowdy and funny.
Once Mario Lemieux was doing a routine postgame interview when Stevens' booming voice bounced off the walls of the Civic Arena shower room.
"Hey we're out of (expletive) hot water again! If they don't get this (expletive) place fixed, we're all going to get (expletive) pneumonia and die!"
Lemieux cracked up at the high-volume interruption. He usually did. If Lemieux was king, Stevens was his court jester.
Stevens' life changed forever during the 1993 playoffs when he was knocked unconscious in a collision, crashing face-first into the ice. While the Penguins were inexplicably losing to the New York Islanders, doctors were reconstructing Stevens' face in the operating room.
He was never the same player. He bounced around, playing for four teams in five years. The Penguins took him back. He wandered away on a road trip and never played again.
Drug issues would end his marriage and cause estrangement from other family members. In 2000, he was arrested while sharing a crack pipe with a hooker in a cheap motel. The Penguins gave him yet another chance, hiring him as a scout. He walked away from that job, saying he was going to coach youth hockey.
Last week, Stevens entered a guilty plea in a Massachusetts court on charges he conspired to sell oxycodone. He could face prison time.
Whenever Penguins of that era gather, they invariably ask, "How's Artie?"
Sadly, the answer isn't very good these days.
---
--WRONG KIND OF FAME
The Baseball Hall of Fame will induct former commissioner Bud Selig next summer.
Let's hope his Hall of Fame plaque notes his many accomplishments. He took over on an interim basis in 1992, and maintained he didn't want the job.
In 1998, he was officially named commissioner and remained until 2015.
--As an owner, he was part of a collusion scheme designed to depress the free agent market. The owners were found guilty and paid heavy penalties to the Players Association.
--He helped orchestrate the 1994 players' strike, which canceled the World Series for the first time. The second part of that plan called for the hiring of replacement players. Only a court order prevented that travesty from playing out.
--He turned a blind eye to rampant steroid use, instead profiting from an artificial home run race that helped rebuild fan interest after the ill-conceived 1994 attempt at union busting.
--He perfected a shakedown campaign that caused cash-strapped local governments to spend money to build new ballparks in no fewer than 18 cities, including his native Milwaukee.
--He maintained that baseball was still affordable entertainment even as prices for prime tickets in some parks routinely topped three figures.
--He partnered with broadcast outlets who were given the right to shift family-friendly Sunday afternoon games to 8 p.m. starts.
--He caved into pressure from TV and devised an illogical plan where the All-Star game outcome determined home field advantage for the World Series.
--He agreed to move some postseason games off over-the-air television and put them on channels that couldn't be received without a cable or satellite subscription.
Yes, it was quite a career.
Sunday, December 4, 2016
Altoona Mirror, December 4, 2016
Trade Andrew McCutchen?
Sure. Just make sure to get value for him.
The problem with trades is people tend to focus only on who's leaving. McCutchen has obviously been the Pirates' best player and was a key part in ending 20 consecutive years of losing.
Maybe his career decline has started, but he's still only 30 and figures to have some production left.
The meaningless phrase "face of the franchise" has been repeated often, but that actually carries little weight.
Jason Kendall was once as ubiquitous as McCutchen, and look how that ended.
The Pirates are in a tough position with a limited budget and a divisional opponent, the World Series champion Chicago Cubs, who have an open checkbook.
The idea is to keep the Pirates competitive rather than abruptly fall off a cliff as they did in 1993 after too many of their better players departed.
You can trade a high-profile player and do well. There was anguish when Tony Pena was sent to St. Louis on April 1, 1987. But Andy Van Slyke was a reliable hitter and Gold Glove center fielder, Mike Lavalliere was a solid platoon catcher and Mike Dunne provided a good rookie season before arm troubles derailed his career.
Trading Jason Bay didn't work out so well. The Pirates got nothing of value in return. It was a wasted opportunity.
Trade McCutchen? It could be the right thing. It all depends on what the Pirates can get for him.
---
--PICK ONE
Eli Manning and Ben Roethlisberger face off this afternoon in a game that is meaningful to both teams.
The two quarterbacks don't match up that often, but the storyline is always the same since they were both first-round selections in the 2004 draft.
Manning was the first overall pick, chosen by San Diego, then traded to the New York Giants by prior arrangement. Roethlisberger was the 11th player chosen, grabbed by the Steelers seven picks after the Giants drafted Phillip Rivers and shipped him to San Diego in the Manning deal.
Last week, longtime NFL journalist Gary Myers was asked to use the benefit of hindsight and tell which quarterback he would pick.
His answer was Manning. He cited Manning's durability (he has never missed a start) and the absence of the off-field problems that are part of Roethlisberger's record -- a motorcycle accident and two allegations of sexual misconduct.
Both Manning and Roethlisberger have two Super Bowl rings. Roethlisberger played in a third Super Bowl that the Steelers lost.
Manning was the MVP in both of his Super Bowl appearances. Roethlisberger played well in one Super Bowl, poorly in the other two.
Roethlisberger has reconfigured his personal life after some unsavory episodes. Manning, playing in New York's harsh spotlight, has been scandal free.
So who was the better pick? They're both headed for the Hall of Fame. Neither team has any buyers' remorse 12 years down the road.
If you want to talk about regrets from that draft, it starts and ends with the Cleveland Browns' selection of Kellen Winslow Jr. right before the Steelers took Roethlisberger.
---
--ELBOW ROOM
MLB will have five more years of labor peace after agreement was reached on a new contract with the Players Association.
The big issues have been well-covered. The devil is in the small details with the new deal.
Every home clubhouse must now have a chef. The Pirates have been ahead of the curve on this. For the past several years, they've had a chef on duty daily and a nutritionist who visits regularly. Players no longer hit the Wendy's drive through on their way to the park.
Then there's this provision:
The teams must provide each player with two seats on the buses to spring training games.
Maybe they need that extra seat for their wallets?
Sure. Just make sure to get value for him.
The problem with trades is people tend to focus only on who's leaving. McCutchen has obviously been the Pirates' best player and was a key part in ending 20 consecutive years of losing.
Maybe his career decline has started, but he's still only 30 and figures to have some production left.
The meaningless phrase "face of the franchise" has been repeated often, but that actually carries little weight.
Jason Kendall was once as ubiquitous as McCutchen, and look how that ended.
The Pirates are in a tough position with a limited budget and a divisional opponent, the World Series champion Chicago Cubs, who have an open checkbook.
The idea is to keep the Pirates competitive rather than abruptly fall off a cliff as they did in 1993 after too many of their better players departed.
You can trade a high-profile player and do well. There was anguish when Tony Pena was sent to St. Louis on April 1, 1987. But Andy Van Slyke was a reliable hitter and Gold Glove center fielder, Mike Lavalliere was a solid platoon catcher and Mike Dunne provided a good rookie season before arm troubles derailed his career.
Trading Jason Bay didn't work out so well. The Pirates got nothing of value in return. It was a wasted opportunity.
Trade McCutchen? It could be the right thing. It all depends on what the Pirates can get for him.
---
--PICK ONE
Eli Manning and Ben Roethlisberger face off this afternoon in a game that is meaningful to both teams.
The two quarterbacks don't match up that often, but the storyline is always the same since they were both first-round selections in the 2004 draft.
Manning was the first overall pick, chosen by San Diego, then traded to the New York Giants by prior arrangement. Roethlisberger was the 11th player chosen, grabbed by the Steelers seven picks after the Giants drafted Phillip Rivers and shipped him to San Diego in the Manning deal.
Last week, longtime NFL journalist Gary Myers was asked to use the benefit of hindsight and tell which quarterback he would pick.
His answer was Manning. He cited Manning's durability (he has never missed a start) and the absence of the off-field problems that are part of Roethlisberger's record -- a motorcycle accident and two allegations of sexual misconduct.
Both Manning and Roethlisberger have two Super Bowl rings. Roethlisberger played in a third Super Bowl that the Steelers lost.
Manning was the MVP in both of his Super Bowl appearances. Roethlisberger played well in one Super Bowl, poorly in the other two.
Roethlisberger has reconfigured his personal life after some unsavory episodes. Manning, playing in New York's harsh spotlight, has been scandal free.
So who was the better pick? They're both headed for the Hall of Fame. Neither team has any buyers' remorse 12 years down the road.
If you want to talk about regrets from that draft, it starts and ends with the Cleveland Browns' selection of Kellen Winslow Jr. right before the Steelers took Roethlisberger.
---
--ELBOW ROOM
MLB will have five more years of labor peace after agreement was reached on a new contract with the Players Association.
The big issues have been well-covered. The devil is in the small details with the new deal.
Every home clubhouse must now have a chef. The Pirates have been ahead of the curve on this. For the past several years, they've had a chef on duty daily and a nutritionist who visits regularly. Players no longer hit the Wendy's drive through on their way to the park.
Then there's this provision:
The teams must provide each player with two seats on the buses to spring training games.
Maybe they need that extra seat for their wallets?
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