Beaver County Times, December 22, 2013

Even though an alarming number of households now seem to consider icicle lights a year-round decorative accent, we're right in the thick of the Christmas season.
From sugar cookies and egg nog to credit card fraud and fights over parking spaces, there's nothing quite like it.
So with a nod to Allan Sherman and Mad magazine, let's modestly offer some Pittsburgh sports twists on the traditional songs of the season. Gather the family around the slip-covered recliner, have cousin Anthony wail on the harmonica and raise your voices in song.
---
When the Steelers have a bad season, the focus is on the parking lot party before and after the game.
To the tune of "My Favorite Things"

Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, Canadian Club.
Baby back ribs with sauce or a rub.
Loving the burn of those crispy hot wings,
These are a tailgater's favorite things.

Steaks on the grill, oh how nicely they sizzle,
Marinate well, must use more than a drizzle.
Remembering days of four Super Bowl rings,
These are a tailgater's favorite things.

Guys in Troy's jersey eye girls who are frisky,
Even more fun when they're loaded on whiskey.
Atmosphere's ripe  for a parking lot fling,
These are a tailgater's favorite things.

Burgers and hot dogs, kielbasa and kraut,
Grab a cold beer, either pilsner or stout.
Drowning one's sorrow can numb losing's sting,
This is a tailgater's favorite thing.

Pocket the car keys, don't dare drink and drive,
Wait 'til next season when hope is revived.
Study the draft and develop rankings,
These are a tailgater's favorite things.

When the team stinks.
When there's failure,
When they're feeling bad.
They simply remember their favorite things.
And then they don't feel so sad.

---
What better way to sum up the year for the pro teams than with doggerel padded with a nonsensical refrain?
To the tune of "Deck The Halls."

Lockout gave us half a season,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Penguins played with much cohesion
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Nothing matters 'til the playoffs.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Won two rounds, then came the chaos.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Oh, those rotten Boston Bruins,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Turned a great year into ruins.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Sid and Geno put up zeroes,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Expect much more from scoring heroes.
Fa la la la la la la la la.

Hey, the Pirates broke the streak,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Twenty years were awful bleak.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
McCutchen was the M-V-P,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Got engaged right on TV.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Gerrit Cole was more than ready,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Liriano was so steady,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Snapped the long depressing hex,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Now they have to write the checks.
Fa la la la la la la la la.

Yikes, the Steelers 0 and 4.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Couldn't get up off the floor.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Defense got so old and slow,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Have to change the status quo.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Tomlin stepped across the line.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Goodell hit him with a fine.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Whole thing just seemed kind of loony,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Wonder how it played with Rooney?
Fa la la la la la la la la.

---
Pitt continues its streak of insignificant bowl appearances while ending an unprecedented three-year run in Birmingham's BBVA Compass Bowl. Instead, a 6-6 season sends the Panthers to scenic Detroit for the Dec. 26 Little Caesars Pizza Bowl against Bowling Green.
To the tune of "O Christmas Tree"

O Pizza Bowl, O Pizza Bowl,
Winter time, Motor City.
O Pizza Bowl, O Pizza Bowl,
No way this can be pretty.

Game's in a dome,
But that is all.
We want much more
Than just football.

O Pizza Bowl, O Pizza Bowl,
This is no bowl vacation.
O Pizza Bowl, O Pizza Bowl,
More like an obligation.

We wanted sun and, yes, a beach.
Six wins put that out of reach.
O Pizza Bowl, O Pizza Bowl,
It's Little Caesars freezer.
---

Beaver County Times, December 15, 2013

Dan Bylsma had a day off last week, but he didn't get a break from coaching.
Bylsma used the day to cram for his high-profile moonlighting job as coach of Team USA in the upcoming Olympic games.
Bylsma is among the many who will be heading across the globe to Russia in February while the NHL shuts down for two and a half weeks.
In order to clear that much time, the NHL has compressed its 82-game regular season. That creates clusters like the Penguins recently had with 15 games in 25 days.
That kind of breakneck pace isn't good for the players or the quality of play, but that's the price the NHL is willing to pay to be in the Olympics.
It's just another reason why the NHL's participation in the Olympics is a mistake.
The prospect excites the players. Sidney Crosby scored the game-winning goal for Team Canada in the last competition, and he counts it among his biggest thrills.
That's great for him, but how good is it for the Penguins, who pay Crosby close to $9 million a season? He's as well-conditioned as any NHL player, but how much of a burden is it to play a busy NHL schedule, then travel more than 11,000 miles for two weeks of high-intensity hockey, then come back to finish the regular season and prepare for a playoff run that might last another two months?
Do Penguins fans, who pay a premium for tickets, really have a vested interest in rooting against Crosby or Evgeni Malkin if they face Team USA? If you're spending thousands to watch the Penguins, you want to see Crosby with the Stanley Cup, not a gold medal. With a nine-hour time difference between here and Russia, how much of a TV audience will there be for hockey games?
And if this sentiment isn't too hopelessly corny and naive, how about the Olympic ideal of having amateurs compete? That went out the window when we started assembling NBA dream teams to stomp the likes of Cuba and Venezuela.
The reason people remember the 1980 "Miracle On Ice" USA hockey team so fondly is the players were underdogs. They were college kids who went up against Russia's pro-laden squad and beat immense odds.
Most of them weren't prime NHL prospects, and it didn't matter.
Mike Eruzione, the 1980 Olympic captain, never spent a day in an NHL camp. Yet he's still probably better known than two-thirds of the current NHL players.
Maybe Crosby wins another gold medal. Maybe Malkin or Bylsma gets that prize.
No matter what, a lot of people are going to be more interested in seeing if they can beat the Bruins this spring when they return to their real jobs.
---
--STICKER SHOCK
When it costs $5 million just to gamble on a 30-year-old reclamation project like Edinson Volquez, it's alarming evidence of the way MLB salaries are trending.
More than ever, the Pirates need a first-rate development system to pump out players who will be affordable for a while.
---
--MEDIA EVENT
Andrew McCutchen said his televised marriage proposal wasn't about the publicity.
The person seated next to his fiance in the "Ellen" audience was the personal publicist McCutchen employs.

Beaver County Times, December 8, 2013

Bill Cowher last coached the Steelers in 2006, but his popularity has only increased since then.
Cowher is getting the same kind of retroactive love that enveloped Terry Bradshaw as the years passed following his 1983 departure from Pittsburgh.
Those misty water-colored memories become warmer and fuzzier as fans grow more disenchanted with the people currently occupying their old jobs.
Cowher was never this popular when he was actually coaching the Steelers. Then he was just a guy who lost too many big games and hired the wrong offensive coordinators (some things never change). People spread vicious rumors about him.
Bradshaw wasn't that beloved even when the Steelers were winning four Super Bowls. A lot of people thought they won a couple in spite of him and wondered what might have happened if the Steelers would have had installed Terry Hanratty at quarterback.
Bradshaw started looking better and better when the Steelers cranked up that Cliff Stoudt-Mark Malone-Bubby Brister medley after he left.
A lot of people don't like Mike Tomlin. Sure, he won a Super Bowl, but the complaint is he did it with Cowher's players. (Never mind that Cowher went 8-8 and missed the playoffs with those players in his last season).
Thanks to the dissatisfaction with Tomlin, a lot of people would endorse putting Cowher's granite jaw on a Mt. Washington version of Mount Rushmore, right alongside Chuck Noll.
Never mind those four losses in AFC Championship games.
The good part of this is the current Steelers should know that some day they'll be beloved, too. It just won't happen while they're actually playing.
When Ben Roethlisberger is 50, he won't be the guy who held the ball too long. He'll be fondly remembered as the guy who could extend a play better than anyone.
---
CRAZY MONEY
Oh, those evil Seattle Mariners and their open checkbook.
Nobody expected Lloyd McClendon's new team to make the biggest splash in free agency by signing Robinson Cano to a contract that makes no sense on any level.
Cano has a 10-year contract, which will keep him on the Mariners' payroll until age 41. Ever since baseball cracked down on steroids, the idea of senior citizen superstars has diminished, so it's highly likely Cano will be a major burden to the Mariners in 2023.
In fact, if baseball's actuary tables are accurate, it's likely the Mariners are buying far more of Cano's declining years than his peak seasons.
The deal is worth $240 million. Perspective: It cost $216 million to build PNC Park. That translates into $285 million in 2013 dollars, but you get the point.
Contracts have been tilting toward the insane this offseason since teams all have some extra money from national TV rights. When Jacob Ellsbury gets $153 million for seven years, you realize how fortunate the Pirates were to lock up six years of Andrew McCutchen for $51.5 million.
---
HAPPY HOURS
Prohibition ended in 1933, the same year the Steelers were founded.
The timing is no doubt coincidental, but could you imagine Steelers game days without alcoholic beverages? A lot of people can't.
You're just not going to have that same here-we-go-Steelers swagger chugging a Dr. Pepper.

Beaver County Times, December 1, 2013

Turns out the Steelers' win at Cleveland was just a mirage.
The return of the old defense -- the one with the sacks and takeaways and pressure -- was a one-game wonder against an inferior opponent.
Faced with better competition in Baltimore, the other "old" defense reappeared. This one is old in the sense that too many people are on the wrong side of 30.
So now the Steelers are 5-7. They're not out of the playoff hunt, but the chances are slim. It's far more likely they'll finish 8-8 again and watch the playoffs on TV.
This, of course, is the worst of all worlds. They miss the postseason, but they're not bad enough to claim a prime drafting position.
A top 10 pick would be a huge help in an offseason of big changes.
---
--JUST FOR KICKS
Too bad the Steelers weren't wearing their silly jailbreak throwback uniforms in Baltimore.
Shaun Suisham's misdirection play on the ill-fated onside kick at the end looked like something Curly would have done in one of the old Three Stooges shorts.
He put so much effort into the weaving reverse approach to the ball that he neglected the most important part -- making sure the ball went 10 yards so the Steelers could legally recover it.
It was the worst play since Suisham broke the monotony of the snap/hold/kick sequence earlier in the game by running up to kick a ball that hadn't arrived yet.
Suisham has been money for the Steelers, so the intent isn't to pick on him or blame him for the loss.
It's just that those two plays brought back bad memories of when Booth Lusteg was kicking for the Steelers.
---
--HOMETOWN ADVANTAGE
Selection of the three stars is a hockey tradition, but nothing that should be taken seriously.
The picks are usually made by the home team's PR staff, and often reflect that bias.
That was illustrated by the Penguins' game at Tampa Bay on Friday. The Lightning's J.T. Brown was named the game's No. 2 star. His team lost 3-0.
There was no recognition of Sidney Crosby, who had three assists, or Chris Kunitz, who scored two goals.
---
--ABANDONING SHIP
There was a big celebration last month when 93.7 The Fan (KDKA-FM) topped the local radio ratings in October.
The November results might make for a blue Christmas at CBS Radio headquarters.
The Fan's huge numbers for October were influenced greatly by the Pirates' first postseason appearance in 20 years. The Fan had six postseason games, plus all the discussion.
A decline was inevitable in November, but it turned out to be much larger than anyone probably projected. The Fan's audience share for November was less than half of what the station had in October. Not quite first-to-worst, but close.
It's a stunning drop, and it may be unprecedented for a station to lose so much audience in one month without making a format change.
---
--FIRE AWAY
Good luck to all the hunters who head to the woods looking for a deer. Stay safe.
Might not be legal or sporting, but wouldn't it be better to hunt cows instead? They move slower, and they're better eating.

Beaver County Times, November 24, 2013

Here's the funny thing about the Ben Roethlisberger rumors that have been persistent for the past few weeks:
They're coming from Ian Rapoport, who works for the NFL Network, which is owned and operated by the NFL.
So while sports teams are fond of demonizing the media as outside enemies who want to undermine their operations, this is actually something of an inside job. (Bill Parcells used to refer to Giants beat writers as "communists.")
If the NFL Network has total editorial independence, it's enjoying freedom that isn't all that common.
Teams generally try to control the message whenever they can.
Once the Pirates were on the road when the opposing shortstop inexplicably dropped the most basic pop-up. Incredulous at the misplay of a chance so easy, Greg Brown exclaimed that a Little Leaguer could have made the play.
At the next commercial break, the man then in charge of the Pirates' marketing was on the phone to the booth, angrily complaining that Brown's candid assessment somehow downgraded the product the team was trying to sell.
When Myron Cope called attention to the "Steelers Streaker" in the 1970s, no less an authority than franchise founder Art Rooney scolded Cope for making a miscreant a folk hero.
Penguins general manager Craig Patrick was once watching a late night telecast from the west coast at home. He grew impatient with Mike Lange's words of praise for the opposing team and phoned the production truck to relay the message he'd like to hear some good things about the Penguins.
Lange's response was to call the rest of the game without his usual expressions to adorn Penguins goals. No drinks for Sam or his dog, no messages to Arnold Slick in Turtle Creek, just straight calls of the plays.
The online mlb.com, which purports to cover all 30 MLB teams with some independence, reportedly doesn't allow its writers to use the word "fail" in stories.
If NFL Network staffers are free from that kind of interference, good for them, even though it's proven to be inconvenient for the Steelers and Roethlisberger.
---
--DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT
Anna Benson, the scary ex-wife of former Pirates pitcher Kris Benson, has been interviewed by TV's Dr. Phil.
The show is scheduled to air on Wednesday.
Anna Benson refers to herself as the most famous sports wife since Marilyn Monroe, a claim Gisele Bundchen or Victoria Beckham might dispute.
Anna is a former exotic dancer who improbably married one of the quietest people on the planet, then used his fame to create her own notoriety. When Benson pitched for the Mets, she famously did some interviews on Howard Stern's radio show. She operated a personal website, where she offered racy photos and profanity-filled insults of those who didn't agree with her conservative political views.
Benson last pitched in the major leagues in 2010, and Anna has also faded away. She returned to the headlines in July when she showed up at Kris' home with a gun, hatchet, knives and a bulletproof vest.
Maybe Dr. Phil can write her a prescription.
---
--SCRAMBLED MESSAGE
Spell check always flags Dan Bylsma's last name and suggests "abysmal" as a replacement.
Everyone's a critic.

Beaver County Times, November 17, 2013

Stay calm. It's a long season.
The Penguins just had a stretch of three games, all losses, in which they failed to score an even-strength goal.
This brought back memories from the spring, when the Penguins' high-powered offense sputtered and conked out in the playoff loss to Boston.
When Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin are healthy and the Penguins can't score 5-on-5, something is wrong.
It's up to the coaching staff to make the necessary strategic corrections.
But there shouldn't be any doubt that the problems are correctable. Maybe it's as simple as getting more traffic in front of the net.
The Penguins have long had a tendency to value the pretty play over the gritty one. With their skill level, they always think they're just one no-look pass from scoring.
But when goals are hard to come by, back to basics almost always works.
Crowd the net and take advantage of deflections and easy rebounds. People call them garbage goals, but there's no premium for style points. One that glances off a skate counts as much as a breakaway.
The return to the full 82-game schedule requires a perspective adjustment.
The lockout limited last season to 48 games. Points were at a premium. A long losing streak could be devastating.
The 82-game schedule is more forgiving. A team can have a bad month and still recover.
All things considered, the Penguins aren't in bad shape, even with the losing streak. There's plenty of time to get things right and maximize this team's considerable talent.
It's only November.
---
--SELLING OUT
Bill Mazeroski's champagne-stained jersey from the 1960 World Series brought $632,500 at auction.
That's probably close to the amount of money Mazeroski was paid for his 17-year career with the Pirates.
The items he put up for bids sold for about $1.7 million. Good for him. At 77, he's established a nice trust fund for his sons and grandchildren, and it's more likely the items sold will now be on public display.
If you spend $632,500 on a shirt, you probably want to show it off.
---
--SIGNING OFF?
There are persistent rumors that 93.7 The Fan (KDKA-FM) will be breaking up one of its most dysfunctional on-air teams soon.
---
--BALLOT BLUNDERS
Some people are upset that Andrew McCutchen was listed as low as fourth on one of the MVP ballots cast from St. Louis.
The bigger injustice is that Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina was ninth on one of the ballots from Pittsburgh.
---
--IF YOU BUILD IT AGAIN...
As much as everyone likes PNC Park, it was a huge waste of money when Three Rivers Stadium was demolished after 30 years of use.
It was ugly, but it was still functional. The Steelers doomed Three Rivers when they jumped on the stadium-financing bandwagon and insisted on a new venue packed with luxury boxes.
That's how we got Heinz Field, which is ugly but functional.
Every elected official who's ever caved in to the stadium shakedown must have been chilled by the news that the Braves will seek a new ballpark, hoping to abandon Turner Field, which opened in 1997.
Three Rivers lasted half as long as Forbes Field did. Has the shelf life of publicly-financed sports palaces grown even shorter?

Beaver County Times, November 10, 2013

Richie Incognito? Are they kidding?
The villain in this bizarre story has a name right out of "The Sopranos?"
The Miami Dolphins' bullying controversy will drastically affect several careers. Incognito, accused of intimidating and harassing teammate Jonathan Martin, will probably be unemployable.
Based on the way some NFL players have closed ranks and argued, "People just don't understand..." it's hard to believe Martin will find an NFL locker room that's a comfortable fit.
Joe Philbin is unlikely to get another head coaching job once he's fired in Miami.
The intent here is not to excuse the peculiar behavior that's been described, but to point out that some players genuinely don't see a lot of this as anything terribly unusual.
They've been brought up in a locker room culture from high school. They don't understand how strange this all looks to the real world.
The rookie dinner, where the team gathers at a high-end restaurant, runs up a five-figure tab and sticks the rookies with the bill? The Penguins were doing that as of a few years ago.
In a different generation, it was hockey tradition to pin a rookie down and cut his hair, or crudely shave his body hair. The Penguins banned that a while ago, but Mario Lemieux got an involuntary haircut in his rookie season.
That isn't how the corporate world does things, but the IBM guys don't shower together at the end of the work day, either.
In football, favorable impressions aren't made by someone's wit or intelligence, but are often based on how much weight someone can lift, how much pain they can tolerate and how much beer they can drink.
A long time ago, quarterback Bobby Layne would demand Steelers rookies join him for an extended night of drinking that didn't stop until the new players were physically ill. To skip that rite of passage was to risk the scorn of teammates.
The Pirates had a tradition where veterans would sneak into the clubhouse during a game and steal the rookies' clothes. They'd substitute a weird outfit the players would have to wear on a travel day, and they'd kick the rookies off the bus before it reached the hotel. Jason Bay walked those final blocks in Chicago wearing a bright yellow chicken suit in his rookie season.
Theirs is a different world. If anything good comes out of the Dolphins story, it will be showing players just how grossly distorted that world is sometimes.
---
--Mayor Mucker
Bill Peduto, who won election last week, is the Pittsburgh's first hockey-playing mayor. He has a passion for the game, and was part of a celebrity team that played charity games in the area.
Predecessor Luke Ravenstahl played on the Washington & Jefferson football team.
Ravenstahl was a kicker, which could explain some of his Jeff Reed-like behavior during his time in office.
---
--The Other Kid
Nice story by KDKA-TV's Bob Pompeani last week on Taylor Crosby, who is a goaltender at prep school in Minnesota.
Sid's 17-year-old sister hopes to represent Canada in the 2018 Olympics.
The Crosby parents provided some vintage family photos. There was one of Sid -- when he really was a kid -- holding his baby sister.
It was the kind of story that even connected with viewers who aren't hardcore sports fans.

Beaver County Times, November 3, 2013

If the Steelers have a rotten season (and aren't they building quite a foundation?) no one important will get fired.
We know that because it's not the Steelers way.
But is that still true?
Just because the person in charge is named Rooney doesn't mean that things are done the same way.
Current team president Art Rooney II shares his father's placid mien, but he's not necessarily the same guy.
Considerable circumstantial evidence points to Art Rooney II as the person behind the ouster of offensive coordinator Bruce Arians following the 2011 season.
You can argue that Dan Rooney once ordered Chuck Noll to fire several assistants, but that came after a 5-11 season in 1988, the Steelers' third losing season in four years. It was clear by then that the franchise had made the sad, slow slide into mediocrity.
Arians was banished after the Steelers finished 12-4 for the second consecutive year. Given that, and Art Rooney II's suggestions for changes in offensive philosophy, it's logical to conclude that he's more hands-on than his father was.
(Former GM Tom Donahoe was fired, but that was after his relationship with Bill Cowher had deteriorated to the point that one of them had to go).
If the Steelers have a losing season, veterans like Ryan Clark and Brett Keisel are likely gone. Troy Polamalu's future would be in doubt, too. Potentially they could have three more starters to replace on defense, something that a single draft wouldn't accomplish.
The Steelers could have a $102 million quarterback and not much else. It could be a full-scale rebuilding.
In that case, the question would be whether Mike Tomlin and Kevin Colbert are the people to trust with that project.
Are the Steelers inevitable victims of a salary cap system? Or have they blundered their way into this spot?
If the losing continues, those are the tough questions that ownership has to confront.
There's no guarantee the patience that characterized the organization in the past will continue.
---
--Getting acquainted
KDKA-TV had a genuinely odd feature on Penguins rookie Olli Maatta last week.
Jory Rand interviewed the 19-year-old defenseman as the two toured the city. Their walk-and-talk included coffee in Market Square, then shifted to an observation deck on Mt. Washington. You were waiting for them to ride a tandem bicycle through Schenley Park.
It looked like something that been brokered by eHarmony.com rather than a hockey team's PR department.
It wasn't bad. Just peculiar.
---
--They're No. 1
These are happy days at 93.7 The Fan (KDKA-FM), which topped the local radio ratings for October.
This surge was influenced primarily by the Pirates' first postseason games since 1992.
The Fan not only has a large audience at the moment, it also hits the demographics advertisers want. Programming remains spotty. After nearly four years in the format, there still isn't a signature destination show.
But they're printing money. Clear Channel, the other big radio operator in town, should be getting itchy to grab some of that action by starting an FM sports station of its own. Clear Channel to this point has spread its sports content over WDVE, WXDX and ESPN 970 AM, which has as many listeners as the police scanner.
Clear Channel's inaction is allowing CBS-owned The Fan to feast on the whole pie.
---

Beaver County Times, October 27, 2013

Professor Mike Tomlin was teaching history to the Steelers this week.
According to players, at least one of the team meetings was devoted to a crash course on the animosity that has existed between their team and today's opponent, the Oakland Raiders.
Tomlin reached back to the 1970s, when the rivalry burned hot with on-field issues (George Atkinson clubbing Lynn Swann like a baby seal), courtroom issues (Atkinson suing Chuck Noll for his "criminal element" comments), and unfounded accusations (Al Davis went to his grave believing the Steelers let part of the Three Rivers Stadium turf freeze to neutralize the Raiders' passing game).
In between all of that, they played some pretty memorable football, including three consecutive AFC Championship games.
But will any of that register? Many of the current players are so young, their concept of the "old days" is Brett Favre playing for the Packers.
Ike Taylor, a relative graybeard, pointed out that he was born in 1980, after the Steelers' run of four Super Bowls in six seasons had ended.
Even Tomlin missed most of it. He was born in 1972, which means he was honing those snappy answers in elementary school when the Raiders were allegedly greasing their jerseys with Vaseline.
It's a rich history, the kind of thing that unfolds nicely in those NFL Films productions. Is it relevant to what happens today? Not really.
But when you're 2-4 and trying to salvage a season, it's worth a shot.
---
--Not signing off
There's a perception that Tim McCarver will be leaving broadcasting after he's done covering the World Series for Fox.
Not so fast. McCarver told the Boston Globe last week, "I'm not retiring. I'm cutting back on what I'll be doing. I won't be doing the World Series and All-Star game, but I'll be doing something, stuff that will feed my passions. Plural."
This makes it appear more likely that his departure from Fox is not entirely voluntary, which wouldn't be surprising. Television is all about attracting younger viewers, and a 72-year-old lead analyst with a penchant for telling Bob Gibson stories doesn't fit.
McCarver can be spot-on at times, but more often he's pontificating. He's one of the broadcasters who got worse when he thought every comment should be profound enough to make the "best lines" part of Rudy Martzke's old USA Today column.
He developed a delivery that suggested he was reading from stone tablets rather than note cards.
---
--Bonus money
Much has been made of the fact the Pirates will receive an additional $25 million in national TV revenue.
The problem is every team is getting the same windfall. When that happens, it usually means that salaries rise, which pretty much negates the increase. It happened in the early 1990s when CBS came in with bundles of fresh cash.
Suddenly top of the line players like Barry Bonds and Doug Drabek were making $5 million a year. That jump caused the Pirates ownership to freak out and get itchy to sell the team.
The Pirates will have more money to apply to payroll. So will the Yankees and Dodgers. This benefits the players, not Pirates fans.
---
--New career
Remember Lacee Collins, the Root Sports in-game reporter who was abruptly dismissed during the 2012 baseball season?
She's now attending law school at the University of Arizona.

Beaver County Times, October 20, 2013

This is it for the giant inflatable duck who's been the talk of the town for the last several weeks.
The big yellow bathtub toy ends his (her?) run tonight around 11. A tugboat is scheduled to take it to be cleaned and warehoused.
The duck first appeared on Sept. 27 and became an instant hit. He (she?) was there for the Pirates' stretch run, the raucous wild card game against the Reds and the two playoff games against the Cardinals.
People love the duck. He (she?) doesn't really do anything, doesn't even quack. It's just big and conspicuous and non-threatening, kind of like Max Starks was over the last couple of seasons. Since Mayor Luke Ravenstahl has gone into hiding, the duck is the cutest symbol of Pittsburgh this side of Baby Ben Roethlisberger.
Desperate fans started an online petition to extend the duck's stay, but that wouldn't really work. If he (she?) stayed, it would become just more routine river clutter like the car fenders that float by, or the drunken boaters who turn green bobbing on the waves on Steelers Sundays.
All your Facebook friends have photos of themselves with the duck hovering placidly in the background. People will be sending duck-themed Christmas cards.
People love the duck, and not just because it's free to see him (her?). The Fort Pitt Block House reports its attendance has jumped significantly during the duck's stay, with a corresponding rise in merchandise sales. This means people have actually visited the Block House without being shanghaied on a school field trip.
The duck is staying just long enough to get some final face time during CBS's coverage of this afternoon's Ravens-Steelers game.
We'll miss the duck, but this is certain: He (she?) was a bigger hit in 23 days here than Steely McBeam has been in seven years.
---
--Adapting admirably
In his worst power year with the Cardinals, Albert Pujols had 32 home runs and 103 RBIs. He never posted a batting average lower than .299 in his 11 seasons in St. Louis.
Yet the Cardinals have continued to reach the postseason without him and are now in the World Series.
They're running a pretty good organization over there.
---
--Remembering Goose
A fond farewell to longtime KDKA radio sportscaster Marvin "Goose" Goslin, who died suddenly last weekend at 64.
Goslin was one of the few media people who had a passion for hockey before Mario Lemieux arrived in town and made the Penguins fashionable.
The eccentric Goslin would schedule mid-winter vacations to places like Chicoutimi and Cornwall so he could catch a cluster of junior hockey games. He even published and marketed an NHL draft guide for a few years.
When he failed to become the hockey version of Mel Kiper, he busied himself hosting the Penguins pre-game shows and later made IUP football his new obsession.
Goslin was an accomplished singer and frequently performed the anthems before games. He handled that task with typical enthusiasm, even learning the French words to "O Canada" for the nights when the Montreal Canadiens visited.
He was a quirky character who worked hard and delivered for the audience in his 20-plus years of reporting for KQV and KDKA.

Beaver County Times, October 13, 2013

The Pirates had a dream season, crashing through a lot of long-standing barriers en route to winning 94 games and playing in the postseason for the first time in 21 years.
Now all they have to do is improve.
Once they lost in St. Louis the other night, the focus for the front office shifted to 2014. It will be a different team, and GM Neal Huntington has to figure out how to make it better.
The Pirates still have to fill first base, right field and shortstop, and the starting rotation is always an issue.
Huntington is facing some interesting decisions with several players over 30.
Late-season acquisition Justin Morneau disappointed. The Pirates sunk $2.3 million into his salary hoping he'd provide some power and give the team its first legitimate cleanup hitter. Morneau was on a home run tear in his last month with the Twins, but didn't hit one in 92 at bats with the Pirates. His power output was three doubles.
Morneau turns 33 in May. Given his age and concussion history, the Pirates should pass on him and keep looking.
On the other hand, Marlon Byrd delivered in his month with the Pirates. But he's 36 and would probably want a two-year contract. That makes no sense with prospect Gregory Polanco on the way. Let Byrd fly.
Clint Barmes is at the end of his contract. Since there are serious doubts about Jordy Mercer's ability to handle shortstop on an everyday basis, Barmes might fit as a backup infielder at a substantially reduced salary.
Garrett Jones is 32 and had his worst season. The Pirates squeezed decent production out of this minor league signing for several years, but his salary has climbed to $4.5 million. It's time to let him go and see if Andrew Lambo can fill that role.
The most interesting case is A.J. Burnett, who said he was 50-50 on playing next season.
Have his plans been influenced by Clint Hurdle's decision to start Gerrit Cole in the deciding game at St. Louis? Was Burnett's reaction sufficiently insubordinate to make the Pirates lose interest in him?
Burnett can be a handful. Hurdle's carefully-crafted John Wayne swagger seems to diminish when Burnett is involved. Burnett turns 37 on Jan. 3.
But he can still pitch. He led the staff with 191 innings. His only health issue was an ankle injury sustained when he stepped in a hole while running. He struck out 209 batters. His ERA was his best since 2005, his WHIP was his best since 2007.
If Burnett hasn't burned his bridges, and if he's willing to take a one-year deal, he's worth bringing back.
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--Calling audibles
The Steelers have signed another player (Stevenson Sylvester) they cut in training camp.
Maybe even more disturbing than the 0-4 record is the feeling they're just making it up as they go along.
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--Oct. 13
It was on this date in 1960 that Bill Mazeroski hit the most famous home run in World Series history.
No matter how many times you see the clip, nobody ever hits him with a shaving cream pie.
The most amazing stat from that day? A 10-9 game that included four mid-inning pitching changes and a delay for Tony Kubek's injury was played in 2:36.

Beaver County Times, October 6, 2013

If you're headed for today's giant playoff game at PNC Park, kindly keep these guidelines in mind:
1. Wear black.
2. Make noise.
3. Try to avoid fighting with the wives of visiting players.
Amid Tuesday night's wild card madness there was apparently a dust-up between some Pirates fans and Dallas Latos, whose husband Mat pitches for the Cincinnati Reds.
Dallas Latos tweeted that her hair was pulled and she was then punched in the head when she visited the Bowtie Bar in the right field stands.
Pittsburgh police investigated and filed no charges. They reported it was a larger confrontation between Pirates fans and Reds fans, all of whom had apparently sampled the stock at the Bowtie Bar.
At most, police said, it was a case of harassment. They dismissed it as a "he slurred/she slurred" dispute between well-lubricated fans, the sort of thing that can be handled by ejecting the offenders.
It's not clear exactly why Dallas Latos was in town for Tuesday's game. The Reds were barely here for 48 hours, hardly enough time to sample the local cuisine ("Hey, they put the fries and slaw right on the sandwich!"), absorb the local culture ("That Andy Warhol had a profitable scam, didn't he?") or even explore downtown shopping (Rite Aid had a sweet buy one/get one sale on vitamins).
Beyond that, Mat Latos was supposed to start, but didn't pitch because of an injury. So Dallas was apparently the only Latos getting exercise at PNC Park.
There was a time when taking wives on the road was taboo. The Pirates had a rule against wives joining their husbands, even if the spouse traveled on her own.
Part of that is the belief a team is on a business trip and needs to focus.
Another factor is a variation on the "What happens in Vegas...." mindset that's part of sports. Some married players have been known to deal with their separation anxiety by making new friends in strange towns.
The last thing a team needs is a wife spotting Joe Pitcher getting on the hotel elevator with Friendly Local Blonde, and reporting back to Mrs. Pitcher, who is handling the diapers and bedtime stories at home.
Times change. Wives travel. Treat them kindly, please. At minimum, no hair pulling.
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--Different black out
Incredible that Major League Baseball wouldn't find a way to get the second game on the current playoff series on local television.
It was broadcast on the MLB Network, which misses a lot of homes either because it's not offered or else it's on a premium level. The latter is the case with Comcast, where the mission statement is, "Everything's an up-sell."
Pittsburgh finally goes baseball crazy, and people have to huddle around radios to keep up with a playoff game.
The NFL has provisions to allow a local station to carry a Steelers game that's otherwise exclusive to the NFL Network.
Maybe MLB thinks the strategy will gain more customers for MLB Network. But maybe it just makes customers angry.
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--Bye week
The way some Steelers fans are whining, you'd think the team hadn't had a winning season in 20 years.
Poor Mike Adams. Here's hoping he at least yells, "Hey! Stop!" when pass rushers breeze past him.

Beaver County Times, September 29, 2013

The Pirates soaked the jolly roger, cutting loose with a splashy party after they clinched a postseason spot Monday in Chicago.
Hard to believe, but some people are either criticizing or ridiculing them for that.
This is a franchise that hadn't had a winning season since 1992, and had a 57-105 record in 2010.
Yes, the reality is their stay in the postseason could last all of three hours. But don't begrudge their embracing of a special moment.
The Cincinnati Reds also clinched a postseason berth on Monday, but there was no celebration. Manager Dusty Baker told the clubhouse workers not to order champagne, and not to worry about putting protective plastic sheeting over the lockers.
"Popping bottles for a one-game playoff is stupid," Reds second baseman Brandon Phillips said. (He made the comment in advance of the Reds' clinching, not in response to what the Pirates did).
That attitude is fine for the Reds. They were in the playoffs last season, and were expected to win this year. A wild card spot isn't a big deal for them, and that's OK.
For the Pirates, this wasn't just a celebration. It was an exorcism.
The Pirates finally slayed the demons that had stubbornly stuck around too long.
The ghosts of Derek Bell, Matt Morris, Jimmy Anderson and John Russell were all drowned in champagne.
The celebration was not only appropriate, it was pretty much mandatory.
---
--Stuck in the middle
Three games in, we have ample evidence that the Steelers aren't a good team.
But it's also unlikely that they're completely awful, and that's too bad.
As painful as a 4-12 season might be, it would a long-term benefit to the organization because it would translate into a much better drafting position.
The Steelers went 8-8 last year, missed the playoffs, but didn't get their draft call until the 17th turn. Franchise-caliber players are gone by then.
Unless the whole AFC improbably sinks into a morass of 8-8-ness, the Steelers aren't a playoff team.
If you can't make the playoffs, make the top five list at the draft.
The Steelers are in a unique position where they can easily absorb a bad season. They don't have tickets to sell. People will continue to buy "LAMBERT 58" jerseys. The only downside is the endless babble of talk radio, and what does that mean? People were complaining when they were 12-4.
For all the gloom that has come with the 0-3 start, it looks like the Steelers have a bunch of games they can and should win, starting with today's overseas date with Minnesota.
After next week's bye, they play the Jets, Raiders, Bills, Lions and Browns over the course of seven weeks that includes games against the Patriots and Ravens.
The Steelers are going to win some games -- not enough to get them in the postseason, but too many for their long-term good.
---
--Money management
Funny, there haven't been any complaints lately about how the Brewers have a bigger payroll than the Pirates.
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--British invasion
England sends us the Beatles, and we send them the 0-3 Steelers vs. the 0-3 Vikings?
That doesn't seem fair.
Then again, maybe this is the way we pay them back for George Michael and Wham!

Beaver County Times, September 22, 2013

The Pirates are playing at 1:35 this afternoon, and the Steelers are scheduled to kick off somewhere around 8:25, depending on when Bob Costas is ready.
Both are home games, which means about 37,000 baseball fans and 60,000 football fans will fight for the same parking spots after they navigate those narrow streets on the North Side.
Usually things are planned so that only one team is home during each of the Sundays in September. Even then, Steelers Sundays are a logistical mess.
Today's traffic crawl has the potential to create confusion of epic proportions. Of course, it's also possible everyone will follow the rules that have been outlined, show the proper courtesy and make it all run smoothly. (It's also possible Kenny Chesney fans will start cleaning up after themselves, but you don't count on it).
The NFL could have saved Bears-Steelers for Monday night under ordinary circumstances, but the Steelers are playing in London on Sunday. They can't afford to lose a day.
So it's two games in one relatively small patch of real estate.
This is the worst idea since....
Huey Richardson? Todd Graham? The Bridge To Nowhere? Kent Derdivanis? People getting autographs from John Rigas? The Pittsburgh Piranhas?
Jeromy Burnitz? "The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh?" Walt Terrell? The original Zum Zum concession stands at Three Rivers Stadium? Pittsburgh Phantoms roller hockey?
Mike Kingery? Drafting Jason Worilds instead of Sean Lee? Mike Haywood? Retiring Billy Meyer's number? Rico Fata? Dropping the Pitt-Penn State football series? The Pittsburgh XPlosion?
Bright gold Penguins jerseys? Firing Bob Prince and Nellie King? Replacing them with Milo Hamilton and Lanny Frattare? Roger Marino? The Regional Renaissance Initiative?
Aki Iwamura? Kent Graham? Any and all Steelers offensive coordinators? Banning outside food and drinks when PNC Park opened? Putting Penguins games on pay-per-view? Drafting John Van Benschoten instead of C.J. Wilson?
Giving Howard Baldwin a credit line? Tony Mason on Pitt football broadcasts? Free agent Derek Bell? Update specialist Kalena Bell? Kris Beech and a bunch of nothing for Jaromir Jagr? $523 million for all 1.2 miles of the North Shore Connector?
Thor Tolo? Cliff Stoudt? Eric Green's Super Bowl rap video before the AFC Championship game? Taking the New York Islanders lightly in the 1993 playoffs? Barry Bonds ignoring Andy Van Slyke's advice to move in a few steps in Game Seven in 1992?
Pierre Creamer? John Russell? Public address announcements at Pitt Stadium insulting West Virginians? Alan Cutler? Giving Jack Ham's No. 59 to Todd Seabaugh? Giving Pat Meares a four-year contract extension while he was on the disabled list?
Drafting Rich Sutter instead of Dave Andreychuk? Believing that Terry Bradshaw would bounce back from an elbow injury and eliminate the need to draft Dan Marino? Canceling "Chiller Theater?"
Jim Rooker's promise to walk back from Philadelphia if the Pirates lost? Most Duquesne basketball coaching hires? Hop 'n Gator? Bruno Sammartino's mid-1970s hairpiece? Lynn Swann's run for governor? Trading up to draft punter Daniel Sepulveda?
Jean-Claude Van Damme's "Sudden Death?" Limas Sweed? Dan Potash's fake feud with Pascal Dupuis? Mike Gottfried's lifetime contract? Pretending red was one of the Pirates' colors? Kurt Angle as a TV sportscaster? Promoting Eddie Olczyk from TV analyst to head coach?
You decide. The debate might help pass the time if you're stuck in North Side traffic today.

Beaver County Times, September 15, 2013

After careful in-depth analysis, here's the Steelers' biggest problem: They don't have enough good players.
This is what happens when teams don't draft well. It's bitten the Steelers before, back in the 1980s before the salary cap made it even more critical to steadily replenish the roster .
The Steelers assembled a nucleus of talent that was good enough to get to the Super Bowl three times in six years.
But players get old or get hurt or get too expensive, and they go away. Hines Ward, Aaron Smith, James Farrior, Santonio Holmes, Alan Faneca, Willie Parker and James Harrison are among the talented players who have departed.
How many have the Steelers adequately replaced? The double whammy of the salary cap and poor drafting have hit hard.
---
--Dire (or Dwyer) circumstances
Jonathan Dwyer's return illustrates the curious nature of recent decisions.
GM Kevin Colbert said after last season that the running backs on the roster weren't good enough. The Steelers addressed that by spending their second round draft pick on Le'Veon Bell.
Bell got hurt in training camp, which left the Steelers with the backs who weren't good enough. They traded for failed No. 1 draft pick Felix Jones, and immediately decided he was a better option than Dwyer, who was then cut.
Jones barely got on the field last week because he doesn't know the offense yet. LaRod Stephens-Howling was injured in the opener, so the Steelers brought back Dwyer.
Mike Tomlin said they were "fortunate" to re-sign a back they twice judged to be inadequate in the last six months.
---
--Pitching a fit
A.J. Burnett took to Twitter to emphasize he was not aiming his hissy fit at teammate Clint Barmes the other day in Texas.
He was unhappy with the defensive shift that had been called from the bench and not with Barmes' play on a ball that went for a two-run single.
So he was throwing the manager and the coaching staff under the bus rather than the shortstop. Does that make anything better?
Doesn't matter who made him angry, Burnett's reaction sent the message, "Hey, this isn't my fault." It wasn't a good thing to do, just as Burnett probably wouldn't appreciate one of his outfielders throwing his arms up in disgust as a home run ball sailed over the fence.
Have a problem with the shifts? Strike out the batter.
---
--Non-reality show
It's been a while since the Penguins won the Stanley Cup, but they remain champions of media manipulation.
The TV stations were all over Sidney Crosby delivering season tickets to a long-time customer last week.
When this gimmick started, it still had at least a scintilla of spontaneity. People answer the door and, whoa, there's Sid!
Now it's terribly obvious the recipients have been thoroughly vetted. Or else it's just happy coincidence that most of their relatives and half of the neighborhood stopped by on a weekday morning with piles of memorabilia to be signed.
One good thing about it -- given the market value of Crosby autographs, the lucky fans have a chance to make back some of the big bucks they're dropping on those tickets. As long as the TV cameras keep following the parade, there will be video evidence the signatures are authentic.
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Beaver County Times, September 8, 2013

The Pirates were fresh from losing 104 games and drawing 735,900 fans when Syd Thrift took over as general manager in November, 1985.
Three years later, Thrift was fired because not only did he clash with his superiors, he wouldn't even acknowledge he had superiors.
In typical fashion, his parting shot was an advertisement for himself.
"It ain't easy resurrecting the dead," he said on the way out the door, a statement as accurate as it was immodest.
Thrift was fired after an 85-win season, the Pirates' first step toward the three division titles from 1990-92.
His successor, Larry Doughty, made some necessary additions (notably Jay Bell and Zane Smith), but Thrift created the base. He did that mostly by acquiring players who had been undervalued by their organizations.
In St. Louis, Whitey Herzog had made a rare miscalculation, deciding that Andy Van Slyke couldn't play full-time and that he wasn't suited for center field. The Yankees saw Doug Drabek as erratic, and preferred Rick Rhoden's veteran presence. The White Sox jumped at the chance to trade inexperienced Bobby Bonilla for power arm Jose DeLeon.
This year's Pirates' resurgence may not be a matter of resurrecting the dead, but it qualifies as waking a franchise from a deep slumber.
The starting rotation and back of the bullpen that have carried the Pirates were acquired by GM Neal Huntington in a climate where teams are reluctant to part with quality pitching.
It took Huntington longer to turn things around (he was hired six years ago this month), but it's also a different MLB landscape. The gap between the top and bottom payrolls was $13 million in 1988; the difference was $142 million last season.
When the Pirates traded their best player, Tony Pena, in 1987, he was making $1.225 million. Rhoden was paid $620,000 in his last Pirates season.
Jeff King, the overall No. 1 pick in the 1986 draft, had to hold out for a $180,000 singing bonus; Gerrit Cole got an $8 million bonus as the top pick in the 2011 draft.
Unlike Thrift, Huntington has no interest in self-promotion, and he won't ever push his way into the spotlight.
But like Thrift, he's taken a wounded organization and restored it to health despite budget restrictions most GMs don't have.
---
--Countdown to kickoff
The Steelers season that opens today doesn't have the usual level of anticipation.
That's probably because the team was 8-8 last season and missed the playoffs. It's also probably because that seems like a reasonable forecast for this season as well.
This has the look of winding up somewhere in the range of 9-7 to 7-9. The scary part is the lack of depth, which could show itself when injuries inevitably occur.
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--Family feud
The soundtrack for the 1979 Pirates championship run was Sister Sledge's "We Are Family," a bouncy number that promoted harmony well enough to overcome the gender-specific lyrics.
Turns out Kathy Sledge left the act some time ago and performs on her own. Now she's in court with her sisters, fighting over the right to use the "Sister Sledge" trademark for bookings.
So perhaps they sing:
"We were fam-a-lee,
Now I've got these lawyers with me...
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Beaver County Times, Sept. 1, 2013

If Starling Marte hadn't injured his hand, maybe the Pirates don't deal for rental players Marlon Byrd and John Buck.
But with Marte facing more time out of the lineup, and with one corner outfield spot already completely unsettled, the Pirates had no choice. They needed help.
When you have a chance to win the division, you can't fill both corner outfield positions by dipping into the same grab bag of mediocrity.
So they wisely paid the price, which was two decent prospects. Second baseman Dilson Herrera is only 19, so who knows how he'll develop. He's probably three years away from the major leagues.
Reliever Vic Black is ready now, and the Pirates had plans for him in their ever-changing bullpen. But one of the reasons to stockpile prospects is to have them available as trading chips to fill other needs.
Somehow Buck makes $6 million, so there's a $1 million hit on the remainder of his contract. That shouldn't be a big issue with the kind of business the Pirates have been doing for the last few months.
(Buck will be paid more for this month than previous backups Michael McKenry and Tony Sanchez will make for the entire season, combined).
Byrd is a bargain whose payroll impact is negligible. Each player represents an upgrade, so it was a deal that had to be made.
You take the chance, but never know for sure. The Penguins found that out in the spring when they landed Jarome Iginla, Brenden Morrow and Douglas Morrow in deadline deals that were widely praised.
But all three players flopped in the playoffs, and the Penguins had no interest in bringing any of them back.
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--Ben's Big Broadcast
They were dancing in the hallways at 93.7 The Fan (KDKA-FM) last week when Ben Roethlisberger agreed to do a weekly show.
Roethliserger will appear on the Vinnie and Cook show every Tuesday at 11 a.m. This is a coup because it shuts out WDVE, the flagship station for the Steelers' games, and because anything Steelers-related draws business.
No Steeler is bigger than Ben, and advertisers will pay premium prices to get proximity to a Roethlisberger show.
It remains to be seen how candid he'll be, but people will listen and The Fan will rake in even more money. As it stands how, you can grow a beard during a typical Fan commercial cluster in the daytime hours.
There could be one tangible benefit for listeners. Interviewing Roethlisberger may temporarily distract the mismatched hosts from their usual squabbling.
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--Musical tribute
Frank Pulli, who umpired for nearly 30 years, died last week at 78.
Pulli was once working the plate at Three Rivers Stadium, and found himself in frequent disagreement with the Pirates over his calls. The crowd picked up on the discord, and soon every pitch was an issue.
Organist Vince Lascheid noticed from his perch on the fourth level, too. When Pulli finally called a strike on an opposing hitter, Lascheid punctuated the moment with a sarcastic "Ta da" riff that the crowd loved.
Pulli wasn't so crazy about it. After the game, he summoned Lascheid to the umpires' room. He used that face-to-face meeting to strongly let him know he preferred to work without musical accompaniment.
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