Beaver County Times, December 22, 2013

Even though an alarming number of households now seem to consider icicle lights a year-round decorative accent, we're right in the thick of the Christmas season.
From sugar cookies and egg nog to credit card fraud and fights over parking spaces, there's nothing quite like it.
So with a nod to Allan Sherman and Mad magazine, let's modestly offer some Pittsburgh sports twists on the traditional songs of the season. Gather the family around the slip-covered recliner, have cousin Anthony wail on the harmonica and raise your voices in song.
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When the Steelers have a bad season, the focus is on the parking lot party before and after the game.
To the tune of "My Favorite Things"

Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, Canadian Club.
Baby back ribs with sauce or a rub.
Loving the burn of those crispy hot wings,
These are a tailgater's favorite things.

Steaks on the grill, oh how nicely they sizzle,
Marinate well, must use more than a drizzle.
Remembering days of four Super Bowl rings,
These are a tailgater's favorite things.

Guys in Troy's jersey eye girls who are frisky,
Even more fun when they're loaded on whiskey.
Atmosphere's ripe  for a parking lot fling,
These are a tailgater's favorite things.

Burgers and hot dogs, kielbasa and kraut,
Grab a cold beer, either pilsner or stout.
Drowning one's sorrow can numb losing's sting,
This is a tailgater's favorite thing.

Pocket the car keys, don't dare drink and drive,
Wait 'til next season when hope is revived.
Study the draft and develop rankings,
These are a tailgater's favorite things.

When the team stinks.
When there's failure,
When they're feeling bad.
They simply remember their favorite things.
And then they don't feel so sad.

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What better way to sum up the year for the pro teams than with doggerel padded with a nonsensical refrain?
To the tune of "Deck The Halls."

Lockout gave us half a season,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Penguins played with much cohesion
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Nothing matters 'til the playoffs.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Won two rounds, then came the chaos.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Oh, those rotten Boston Bruins,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Turned a great year into ruins.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Sid and Geno put up zeroes,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Expect much more from scoring heroes.
Fa la la la la la la la la.

Hey, the Pirates broke the streak,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Twenty years were awful bleak.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
McCutchen was the M-V-P,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Got engaged right on TV.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Gerrit Cole was more than ready,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Liriano was so steady,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Snapped the long depressing hex,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Now they have to write the checks.
Fa la la la la la la la la.

Yikes, the Steelers 0 and 4.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Couldn't get up off the floor.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Defense got so old and slow,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Have to change the status quo.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Tomlin stepped across the line.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Goodell hit him with a fine.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Whole thing just seemed kind of loony,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Wonder how it played with Rooney?
Fa la la la la la la la la.

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Pitt continues its streak of insignificant bowl appearances while ending an unprecedented three-year run in Birmingham's BBVA Compass Bowl. Instead, a 6-6 season sends the Panthers to scenic Detroit for the Dec. 26 Little Caesars Pizza Bowl against Bowling Green.
To the tune of "O Christmas Tree"

O Pizza Bowl, O Pizza Bowl,
Winter time, Motor City.
O Pizza Bowl, O Pizza Bowl,
No way this can be pretty.

Game's in a dome,
But that is all.
We want much more
Than just football.

O Pizza Bowl, O Pizza Bowl,
This is no bowl vacation.
O Pizza Bowl, O Pizza Bowl,
More like an obligation.

We wanted sun and, yes, a beach.
Six wins put that out of reach.
O Pizza Bowl, O Pizza Bowl,
It's Little Caesars freezer.
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Beaver County Times, December 15, 2013

Dan Bylsma had a day off last week, but he didn't get a break from coaching.
Bylsma used the day to cram for his high-profile moonlighting job as coach of Team USA in the upcoming Olympic games.
Bylsma is among the many who will be heading across the globe to Russia in February while the NHL shuts down for two and a half weeks.
In order to clear that much time, the NHL has compressed its 82-game regular season. That creates clusters like the Penguins recently had with 15 games in 25 days.
That kind of breakneck pace isn't good for the players or the quality of play, but that's the price the NHL is willing to pay to be in the Olympics.
It's just another reason why the NHL's participation in the Olympics is a mistake.
The prospect excites the players. Sidney Crosby scored the game-winning goal for Team Canada in the last competition, and he counts it among his biggest thrills.
That's great for him, but how good is it for the Penguins, who pay Crosby close to $9 million a season? He's as well-conditioned as any NHL player, but how much of a burden is it to play a busy NHL schedule, then travel more than 11,000 miles for two weeks of high-intensity hockey, then come back to finish the regular season and prepare for a playoff run that might last another two months?
Do Penguins fans, who pay a premium for tickets, really have a vested interest in rooting against Crosby or Evgeni Malkin if they face Team USA? If you're spending thousands to watch the Penguins, you want to see Crosby with the Stanley Cup, not a gold medal. With a nine-hour time difference between here and Russia, how much of a TV audience will there be for hockey games?
And if this sentiment isn't too hopelessly corny and naive, how about the Olympic ideal of having amateurs compete? That went out the window when we started assembling NBA dream teams to stomp the likes of Cuba and Venezuela.
The reason people remember the 1980 "Miracle On Ice" USA hockey team so fondly is the players were underdogs. They were college kids who went up against Russia's pro-laden squad and beat immense odds.
Most of them weren't prime NHL prospects, and it didn't matter.
Mike Eruzione, the 1980 Olympic captain, never spent a day in an NHL camp. Yet he's still probably better known than two-thirds of the current NHL players.
Maybe Crosby wins another gold medal. Maybe Malkin or Bylsma gets that prize.
No matter what, a lot of people are going to be more interested in seeing if they can beat the Bruins this spring when they return to their real jobs.
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--STICKER SHOCK
When it costs $5 million just to gamble on a 30-year-old reclamation project like Edinson Volquez, it's alarming evidence of the way MLB salaries are trending.
More than ever, the Pirates need a first-rate development system to pump out players who will be affordable for a while.
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--MEDIA EVENT
Andrew McCutchen said his televised marriage proposal wasn't about the publicity.
The person seated next to his fiance in the "Ellen" audience was the personal publicist McCutchen employs.

Beaver County Times, December 8, 2013

Bill Cowher last coached the Steelers in 2006, but his popularity has only increased since then.
Cowher is getting the same kind of retroactive love that enveloped Terry Bradshaw as the years passed following his 1983 departure from Pittsburgh.
Those misty water-colored memories become warmer and fuzzier as fans grow more disenchanted with the people currently occupying their old jobs.
Cowher was never this popular when he was actually coaching the Steelers. Then he was just a guy who lost too many big games and hired the wrong offensive coordinators (some things never change). People spread vicious rumors about him.
Bradshaw wasn't that beloved even when the Steelers were winning four Super Bowls. A lot of people thought they won a couple in spite of him and wondered what might have happened if the Steelers would have had installed Terry Hanratty at quarterback.
Bradshaw started looking better and better when the Steelers cranked up that Cliff Stoudt-Mark Malone-Bubby Brister medley after he left.
A lot of people don't like Mike Tomlin. Sure, he won a Super Bowl, but the complaint is he did it with Cowher's players. (Never mind that Cowher went 8-8 and missed the playoffs with those players in his last season).
Thanks to the dissatisfaction with Tomlin, a lot of people would endorse putting Cowher's granite jaw on a Mt. Washington version of Mount Rushmore, right alongside Chuck Noll.
Never mind those four losses in AFC Championship games.
The good part of this is the current Steelers should know that some day they'll be beloved, too. It just won't happen while they're actually playing.
When Ben Roethlisberger is 50, he won't be the guy who held the ball too long. He'll be fondly remembered as the guy who could extend a play better than anyone.
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CRAZY MONEY
Oh, those evil Seattle Mariners and their open checkbook.
Nobody expected Lloyd McClendon's new team to make the biggest splash in free agency by signing Robinson Cano to a contract that makes no sense on any level.
Cano has a 10-year contract, which will keep him on the Mariners' payroll until age 41. Ever since baseball cracked down on steroids, the idea of senior citizen superstars has diminished, so it's highly likely Cano will be a major burden to the Mariners in 2023.
In fact, if baseball's actuary tables are accurate, it's likely the Mariners are buying far more of Cano's declining years than his peak seasons.
The deal is worth $240 million. Perspective: It cost $216 million to build PNC Park. That translates into $285 million in 2013 dollars, but you get the point.
Contracts have been tilting toward the insane this offseason since teams all have some extra money from national TV rights. When Jacob Ellsbury gets $153 million for seven years, you realize how fortunate the Pirates were to lock up six years of Andrew McCutchen for $51.5 million.
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HAPPY HOURS
Prohibition ended in 1933, the same year the Steelers were founded.
The timing is no doubt coincidental, but could you imagine Steelers game days without alcoholic beverages? A lot of people can't.
You're just not going to have that same here-we-go-Steelers swagger chugging a Dr. Pepper.

Beaver County Times, December 1, 2013

Turns out the Steelers' win at Cleveland was just a mirage.
The return of the old defense -- the one with the sacks and takeaways and pressure -- was a one-game wonder against an inferior opponent.
Faced with better competition in Baltimore, the other "old" defense reappeared. This one is old in the sense that too many people are on the wrong side of 30.
So now the Steelers are 5-7. They're not out of the playoff hunt, but the chances are slim. It's far more likely they'll finish 8-8 again and watch the playoffs on TV.
This, of course, is the worst of all worlds. They miss the postseason, but they're not bad enough to claim a prime drafting position.
A top 10 pick would be a huge help in an offseason of big changes.
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--JUST FOR KICKS
Too bad the Steelers weren't wearing their silly jailbreak throwback uniforms in Baltimore.
Shaun Suisham's misdirection play on the ill-fated onside kick at the end looked like something Curly would have done in one of the old Three Stooges shorts.
He put so much effort into the weaving reverse approach to the ball that he neglected the most important part -- making sure the ball went 10 yards so the Steelers could legally recover it.
It was the worst play since Suisham broke the monotony of the snap/hold/kick sequence earlier in the game by running up to kick a ball that hadn't arrived yet.
Suisham has been money for the Steelers, so the intent isn't to pick on him or blame him for the loss.
It's just that those two plays brought back bad memories of when Booth Lusteg was kicking for the Steelers.
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--HOMETOWN ADVANTAGE
Selection of the three stars is a hockey tradition, but nothing that should be taken seriously.
The picks are usually made by the home team's PR staff, and often reflect that bias.
That was illustrated by the Penguins' game at Tampa Bay on Friday. The Lightning's J.T. Brown was named the game's No. 2 star. His team lost 3-0.
There was no recognition of Sidney Crosby, who had three assists, or Chris Kunitz, who scored two goals.
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--ABANDONING SHIP
There was a big celebration last month when 93.7 The Fan (KDKA-FM) topped the local radio ratings in October.
The November results might make for a blue Christmas at CBS Radio headquarters.
The Fan's huge numbers for October were influenced greatly by the Pirates' first postseason appearance in 20 years. The Fan had six postseason games, plus all the discussion.
A decline was inevitable in November, but it turned out to be much larger than anyone probably projected. The Fan's audience share for November was less than half of what the station had in October. Not quite first-to-worst, but close.
It's a stunning drop, and it may be unprecedented for a station to lose so much audience in one month without making a format change.
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--FIRE AWAY
Good luck to all the hunters who head to the woods looking for a deer. Stay safe.
Might not be legal or sporting, but wouldn't it be better to hunt cows instead? They move slower, and they're better eating.