Altoona Mirror, December 24, 2017

Andy Williams was right. It's the most wonderful time of the year.
It's a time for family and feasting and fun and this year there's even a full menu of football.
It's been a tradition for several years now to mark the occasion in this corner with a fresh batch of sports-themed holiday songs set to the existing melodies of seasonal favorites.
When the opportunity presents itself, have cousin Anthony get out the keyboard and gather the family to sing along. Hopefully in the spirit of Allan Sherman, Mad magazine and Rege Cordic's Olde Frothingslosh, you'll get a chuckle or two.
Sing these loudly and proudly and have yourself a holly jolly Christmas.
---
The New England Patriots seem to be the best team in the NFL. There's little doubt about which franchise is the worst.
The Cleveland Browns set a new standard for futility with their stunningly bad draft decisions, coaching carousel and quarterback roulette.
---
(To the tune of "Silver Bells.")

Cleveland Browns,
Football clowns.
Bringing disgrace to their city.
Watch them lose,
That's not news.
It's what they do every week.
Aggravation. Consternation.
Big mistakes by the lake.
In the air there's the vile stench of failure.
Oh they fumble,
How they stumble,
Losing week after week.
Even the Dawg Pound agrees:
Cleveland Browns,
Football clowns.
Bringing disgrace to their city.
There's no spin.
They don't win.
That's just the Cleveland Browns' way.
---

One regular feature of the annual songbook is a recap of the year for Pittsburgh's three pro teams.
That's three stanzas of doggerel for each of them.
---
(To the tune of "Deck The Hall")
Pirates' season? Stinkeroo.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Marte failed, and Kang did, too.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Lineup just too short of pop.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Another season was a flop.
Fa la la la la la la la la

Run the bases like they're drunk.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Talk show callers in a funk.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Lots of outrage? I should say so.
Fa la la la la la la la la
They had way too much John Jaso.
Fa la la la la la la la la

Management got brand new contracts.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Seems to contradict the facts.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Need improvement, have to hurry.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Attendance falling, that's a worry.
Da la la la la la la la la

Penguins won, oh how they played.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Lots of beer at their parade.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Crosby, Malkin and Matt Murray.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Nice sendoff for old friend Fleury.
Fa la la la la la la la la

Goalie got that last Cup run,
Fa la la la la la la la la
So long Flower, it was fun.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Teammates loved him, what a guy.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Always tough to say goodbye.
Fa la la la la la la la la

Sullivan is two-for-two.
Fa la la la la la la la la
That is very hard to do.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Three would be a real tough task.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Is it even fair to ask?
Fa la la la la la la la la


Same old Steelers, can't beat Brady.
Fa la la la la la la la la
And Belichick, who's so darned shady.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Ah to beat them would delight.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Until then they're Kryptonite.
Fa la la la la la la la la

JuJu was a breath of fresh air.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Plays the game with quite a flair.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Rode his bike both near and far.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Now he can afford a car.
Fa la la la la la la la la

Shazier is a major worry.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Take your time, no need to hurry.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Rally 'round him, win the big one.
Fa la la la la la la la la
No more Patriots then done.
Fa la la la la la la la la
---

Watch a game in any pro sport these days, and you'll have ample time to make a snack run.
There's nothing "instant" about replay or the process to review all the angles and render a decision.
You not only have time to make a sandwich, there may be enough time to bake fresh bread.
---
(To the tune of "Do You Hear What I Hear")
Said the referee to the man upstairs.
"Do you see what we saw?"
"Help us out," said the referee:
"Do you see what we saw?
A catch? A drop? We don't have a clue.
And that's why we're calling you.
Yes, that's why we're calling you."
(John Mehno can be reached at: johnmehnocolumn@gmail.com)