Altoona Mirror, December 23, 2018

It's the most wonderful time of the year, filled with great traditions -- overeating, overspending and cursing those made-in-China lights that don't work.
The other custom is to gather the family 'round the fake fireplace for a group sing of the annual holiday song parodies. Once again, inspiration is credited to Mad magazine, Allan Sherman and "Cordic & Company," the official radio show of Olde Frothingslosh, the pale stale ale with the foam on the bottom.
Find a key that's comfortable, and sing them loud and proud. And have yourself a merry little Christmas.
---
The story of the season for the Steelers was the absence of Le'Veon Bell. He turned down a contract in excess of $14 million and will now apparently test the free agent market.
To the tune of "Jingle Bells."

Where is Bell?
What the hell?
Threw that cash away.
-
Le'Veon's big holdout,
He didn't want to play.
Hey!
-
Flushed it all,
No football.
It's all me-me-me.
Hope he had a good time
Riding his jet ski.

----
It's a tradition within a tradition -- the year in Pittsburgh sports set to the tune of "Deck The Hall." As usual, it's three stanzas of doggerel per pro  team, and we start with the Penguins.
-
Three-peat wasn't in the cards,
Fa la la la la la la la la
No Cup visits to back yards.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Washington was just too tough.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Caps had heart, no more cream puff.
Fa la la la la la la la la
-
Flower left, he had to go,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Missed him much, he's such a pro.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Found a home out in the west,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Vegas fans were quite impressed.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
-
Window's closing, could be scary.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Was falling short just momentary?
Fa la la la la la la la la
Sid's no kid, now 32.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Can the captain still come through?
Fa la la la la la la la la

--To the Steelers:
Bell held out, offer rebuffed.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Fourteen million? Not enough.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Stayed away, no bumps and bruises
Fa la la la la la la la la
His odd logic just confuses.
Fa la la la la la la la la
-
Twitter is so uninspired
Fa la la la la la la la la
Tweeters want Mike Tomlin fired
Fa la la la la la la la la
He's never had a losing season
Fa la la la la la la la la
At least invent a valid reason.
Fa la la la la la la la la
-
Super Bowl's the expectation
Fa la la la la la la la la
Real tough crowd, the Steelers Nation
Fa la la la la la la la la
Too much stress to have much fun
Fa la la la la la la la la
Even Rocky Bleier's done
Fa la la la la la la la la

--And the Pirates:
Pirates started in the snow
Fa la la la la la la la la
Pittsburgh looked like Buffalo
Fa la la la la la la la la
Team was hot despite the deep freeze
Fa la la la la la la la la
Turned out that was just a tease
Fa la la la la la la la la
-
Power needed, how 'bout Josh Bell?
Fa la la la la la la la la
Home run total really fell.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Have to back the pitching staff
Fa la la la la la la la la
Score more runs on ther behalf
Fa la la la la la la la la
-
Marte benched for lack of hustle
Fa la la la la la la la la
Last year it was steroid muscles
Fa la la la la la la la la
Lots of talent, drives Clint crazy
Fa la la la la la la la la
Has no business playing lazy
Fa la la la la la la la la

---
The Supreme Court legalized sports betting. Just in time for Christmas, the Rivers Casino, practically in the shadow of Heinz Field, opened a sports book.
To the tune of "My Favorite Things"

Point spreads and parlays, the over and under.
Betting my pay check, I hope I don't blunder.
Who knows what upsets the weekend might bring,
Action's a gamb-a-ler's favorite thing.
-
Groceries at risk, and so are the kids' shoes.
Not going home if the L-A Rams lose.
Losses could be so devastating,
This is a gamb-a-ler's most-dreaded thing.
-
Adrenalin rush comes with money at stake.
He missed a chip shot? I can't catch a break.
Making me crazy, a fast 10-point swing,
This is a gamb-a-ler's most stressful thing.
-
Humans are flawed, I need no reminder.
Wife got a U-Haul, I can't seem to find her.
What kind of changes would bankruptcy bring?
This is a gamb-a-ler's frightening thing.
-
(John Mehno can be reached at: johnmehnocolumn@gmail.com)