Beaver County Times, December 21, 2014

It's that time. Your neighbor's year-round icicle lights are relevant again. Kids are texting updates to Santa. Everyone is merrily slicing through that Hickory Farms gift box that the out-of-state relatives sent.
It's time to pay the annual holiday homage to both Allan Sherman and Mad magazine with doggerel set to seasonal melodies
Two things: 1. There's no "12 Days of Christmas" because math ruins Christmas and, 2. Sing loudly and proudly. You can't possibly sound any worse than Stevie Nicks' version of "Silent Night."
It's time to celebrate. Cousin Nick is home from the Army, the nut rolls are warm, and there's a kick to the punch, so gather around the Naugahyde recliner for a group sing.
---
A couple of Steelers running backs livened up the preseason by getting pulled over for suspicion of a marijuana possession.
--(To the tune of "Feliz Navidad")
Police! Hide the weed.
Police! Hide the weed.
Police! Hide the weed
And hope this cop is a Steelers fan.

Police! Hide the weed.
Police! Hide the weed.
Police! Hide the weed
Think fast, we really need a plan.

We didn't think that anyone could see.
My agent's typing an apology.
Just wait 'til coach gets a hold of me.
Oh, it's going to be bad.

So now I am so very nervous.
Maybe we'll get community service.
Just wait 'til coach gets hold of us.
Oh, it's going to be bad.

Police! Hide the weed.
Police! Hide the weed.
Police! Hide the weed.
Forgive us, please, for our misdeed.
---
Twenty-four sports talk appeals to the truly obsessive.
--(To the tune of "Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree")
Calling the shows around the clock,
What a way to waste the day.
Charge up the phone, and hit speed dial,
Everybody gets their say.

Calling the shows around the clock,
Lines are open for you all.
Don't forget the phrase that pays:
"Hey, thanks for taking my call."

You must be primed and ready
When you get through to the hosts.
Yes, the Steelers' path is bumpy,
But, hey, be careful, Cook is grumpy.

Calling the shows around the clock,
Of course you have the time.
Being a fan's a full-time thing,
Haven't worked since '99.

Calling the shows around the clock,
Just a little O-C-D,
But the guy on at 1 a.m.
Really wants to hear from me.
---
Summing up 2014 with three stanzas per team.
--(To the tune of "Deck The Hall").
Wild card playoff, do or die.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Just three hours, then goodbye.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Cueto folded, he got queasy.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Bumgarner was not so easy.
Fa la la la la la la la la.

Polanco sizzled, then he stumbled.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Wasn't long 'til he got humbled.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Has to show that he's for real.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Should have signed that long term deal.
Jay hay hay hay hay hay hay hay hay.

Cutch is awesome, tip your hat.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
He's the one they all throw at.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Won't give in, he just refuses.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Respect is shown in those bruises.
Fa la la la la la la la la.

Will Steelers season be extended?
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Years of eight and eight have ended.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Could there be a playoff game?
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Offense gets all the acclaim.
Fa la la la la la la la la.

Killer B's are tough to stop.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Unless you are a highway cop.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Offense good as it gets,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
How did they lose to the Jets?
Fa la la la la la la la la.

Defense struggles, Curtain frayed.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Lots of spots need to upgrade.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
People like to blame the coach,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Need a better draft approach.
Fa la la la la la la la la.

Penguins rule all through the season.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Play their best when it is freezin'.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Then the playoffs and there's trouble.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Put the coaches on the bubble.
Fa la la la la la la la la.

Bylsma fired, Shero, too.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Sweep it clean, they both were through.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Change the culture, do it quickly.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Playoff failures getting sickly.
Fa la la la la la la la la.

Still a core that few can match,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Sid and Geno, tough to catch.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Stars are here, not nameless humps,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Just hope that they can beat the mumps.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
---

And finally....
--(To the tune of "We Wish You a Merry Christmas")
We wonder will Pitt miss Chryst.
We wonder will Pitt miss Chryst.
We wonder will Pitt miss Chryst.
"Cause he has gone home.