The Baltimore Orioles have banned the postgame pie in the face.
Somewhere, Moe, Larry and Curly weep. (OK, Shemp, too, for you purists).
Like a lot of fun-loving teams, the Orioles hit on the idea of slamming a pie in the face of a player being interviewed on live TV on the field after the game. Unlike other teams, the Orioles used a real pie rather than a glob of shaving cream arranged to simulate pastry.
In fact, Adam Jones had a deal with a local bakery to provide the pies. If any pies find their way into the Orioles clubhouse this season, they'll be over there on the dessert table.
Someone decided that suddenly jamming a pound or so of pie filling in someone's face could lead to trouble. What took them so long?
Real pies weren't meant to be weapons. They're too heavy and gooey. A lot of people wear contact lenses, and a face full of pie can't be good for that. It wouldn't take much to start choking on a sudden invasion of blueberries.
Sure, it was funny the first thousand or so times, but then even pre-schoolers tired of it.
The faux pie became a Pirates tradition mostly because of A.J. Burnett. He would smear some shaving cream into a towel, sneak up behind the player and -- WHAP! -- hit him in the face with the mess, usually twisting it around for added effect.
It presented a moral dilemma for the Root Sports interviewer. The Root person could obviously see the attack coming. Was there an obligation to warn the victim? Poor Lacee Collins must have wrestled with that one.
It made a mess for the clubhouse workers to clean up, but it cracked up the 30 people who lingered behind the dugout to watch the interview.
Shaving cream arriving in that quantity and velocity is not a pleasant experience. There's the choking menthol scent, the eye-burning chemicals and the shock of suddenly having a hand in one's face. It never rose to the level of waterboarding, but it obviously wasn't as much fun for the receiver as it apparently was for the perpetrator.
Burnett is retired now, presumably hunting and fishing and stacking $100 bills floor to ceiling like Legos after making more than $144 million in his baseball career. If he's really a sportsman, maybe he can sneak up on a grizzly and slam him with a shaving cream pie.
Alas, it's time for all major league teams to let go of the pie tradition. At the risk of sounding like a cranky grandmother telling the kids to wear their galoshes, no good can come of it. Somebody could get hurt and it really isn't that funny.
Maybe the Hall of Fame can memorialize the practice with a display that includes a can of Foamy, the requisite Gatorade towel and a cap stained with whatever scary substances make up shaving cream.
And perhaps a Three Stooges video playing on a loop. After all, they were the masters.
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--BUD COLLINS
Bud Collins, who set the standard for tennis coverage in both broadcast and print, died the other day.
He was well known for his network assignments, like Wimbledon, but does anyone remember that he worked for WPXI-TV (then WIIC) in Pittsburgh in the 1970s?
Collins was the analyst on the station's coverage of the inaugural season of World Team Tennis. He worked with Sam Nover on the Pittsburgh Triangles broadcasts.
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--UP AND DOWN
The Penguins not only found a way to beat the New York Rangers last week, they even rattled the unflappable Henrik Lundqvist.
The Rangers' All-Star goalie got upset enough to attack the cage like a blocking sled, knocking it off its posts and earning a penalty in the process.
The Penguins celebrated this step forward by taking a giant leap backwards and losing a home game to a lousy Calgary team.
It's one of those seasons.
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