Christmas is here, and that means it's time to salute the year in sports by providing new lyrics for familiar seasonal melodies.
It's a great day, a rare collision of feasting and football as the Steelers meet the Baltimore Ravens at Heinz Field with the AFC North title at stake. The kielbasa is crispy, and the aunts made a mountain of pizzelles. Grab a slice of nut roll and a cup of egg nog. As always, a bow to Allan Sherman and Mad magazine.
So gather the family 'round the fake fireplace, have cousin Anthony break out his new keyboard, and sing loud and proud. Merry Christmas!
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--The Cleveland Browns were in danger of playing an entire 16-game season without winning a game.
(To the tune of "O Christmas Tree")
---
O Cleveland Browns,
Woe Cleveland Browns.
You haven't won a game yet.
O Cleveland Browns,
Woe Cleveland Browns,
Each week you are a safe bet.
The defense stinks,
The offense reeks.
Your streak is months
And not just weeks.
O Cleveland Browns,
Woe Cleveland Browns.
Ineptitude historic?
**********
--As the Steelers play today, imagine the plight of the minimum wage usher or vendor who has to report for work at Heinz Field.
(To the tune of "I'll Be Home For Christmas")
I'm at work on Christmas,
Save no chair for me.
Enjoy your ham,
I had to scram,
It's a working day for me.
The NFL is playing.
The inconvenience great.
I'm at work on Christmas,
At least 'til almost 8.
**********
--The Penguins made a necessary coaching change last December. They went on to win the Stanley Cup, and deposed coach Mike Johnston became a forgotten footnote.
(To the tune of "Good King Wenceslas")
---
Poor Mike Johnston had to go,
Penguins sent him packing.
Really, though, there was no choice,
Chemistry was lacking.
So he headed out the door.
No one shed a tear.
They popped champagne later,
Hope he had a beer.
**********
--The annual recap of the year in pro sports, three stanzas per franchise.
(To the tune of "Deck The Hall").
---
Quite a year for Penguins hockey,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Even though the start was rocky,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Had to get a new head coach,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Sully had the right approach,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Sidney Crosby wasn't finished,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Showed his skills had not diminished.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Led the Penguins to the Cup,
Fa la la la la la la la la
GM's trades helped Pens beef up.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Murray moved to number one,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Rookie had a crazy run.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Now it's time to trade The Flower,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Maybe add some firepower.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Pirates dropped by 20 games,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Failure by some real big names.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Rotation flopped, how it imploded.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Liriano was unloaded.
Fa la la la la la la la la
McCutchen had a lousy season.
Fa la la la la la la la la
No one seemed to know the reason.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Blamed the umps, the scorer, too.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Ugly year that he went through
Fa la la la la la la la la
Niese and Locke and Vogelsong.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Oh, those choices were so wrong.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Starting pitchers dug a hole,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Need a better Gerrit Cole.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Steelers have their Killer B's.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Scoring points they do with ease.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Defense started soft and cheesy.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Steeler Nation was uneasy.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Rookies playing with great zeal,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Can they be as tough as steel?
Fa la la la la la la la la
Artie Burns is learning fast,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Secondary help at last?
Fa la la la la la la la la
Ravens here, it's win and in
Fa la la la la la la la la
Tough, just like it's always been.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Enjoy the game, should be a dandy.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Keep the Pepto Bismol handy.
Fa la la la la la la la la
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